Mom, friends, it's Ivan.You talk here and I'll go so far to the kitchen, something to eat cooked.
— Hello, I'm Vanja!
— Very nice.
— Do you have a cold ...
— So you sit closer to it ..
— By the fireplace?
— To the equator!
—By the way, this box of chocolates and a bottle of champagne to you.
—Thank you, thank you, let student's record-book. Oh, sorry, I work in the Institute, a habit.Well, tell me the money for a wedding there?
—- And we were not going to marry ...
— My grandfather was not going to die too!? Mother who works?
— Unemployed.
— A father?
— Also unemployed.
— So, you say one job function? And how her mother earns?
—Not at all.
— Shaw, a month? Okay, I'll go so far to the kitchen, my daughter will help, but you speak with her father.
— Hello!In the army?
— No.
— The patient or study?
— I'm learning.
— Good, but where?
— In the PTU.
—And so did you say sick! Do you drink vodka?
— No.
— My daughter is beautiful?
— Yes.
— And you say, do not drink ...
T: Ts that? Mad? Where are you going? Here a sign hanging? .. "
HR: Round like a .... "
The wife advises her husband, who was sitting behind the wheel:
— Turn on the turn signal, brake smoothly, but did not turn so sharply.
— Do not talk! Your work - smile Policeman.
Taxi Drivers in court asked:
— Why did you kill your wife?
Taxi Driver:
— I come home for the gas, shake to fi-fa, and then the door opens and a wife with sex trafficking start. Well, I told her to bolt flywheel drove, and she leak-to-door has come and died out.
Two women on the bus, sitting on the first seat, talking to each other:
— Masha, I'm upisayus with laughter! Look at the guy - should be the same as that he can not enter the bus!
A man raised his bleary eyes:
— If I still got into the bus, you're with me yet and obdelat ... I'm the driver ...
Announcement at the railway station in Moscow:
— Dear passengers!. Please do not stick out of the cars. It is dangerous for your life!
The same ad in Kiev:
— Prosimo head coaches is not Suwat. And, of course, the same thing with Odessa:
— Well Vysun, Vysun head, dear!
According to statistics, New York, every 3 seconds, the car moves one person. You know why?Because the car so much that this man does not even stand up.
This driver does not have to count how many passers-by, he touched on the road.Case the driver to drive, rather than play statistics!
Nothing is so dear to us and not appreciated by us as cheap as the front suspension.
Injured in an automobile accident tells the doctor:
— Although I sometimes lose consciousness, but I was hungry, and I felt a coldness in the legs, so I decided it was alive.
— And how do you argue?
— If I died, he would get to heaven or hell. В раю я не был бы голоден, а в аду у меня не мерзли бы ноги. In paradise I would not be hungry, and in hell I would not feel cold feet.
Driving through the village, the motorist appeals to local residents:
— Tell me where I could find spare parts to the car?
— Won over by a sharp bend in the ravine, there are many.
Former policeman tells his son a fairy tale:
— Dala fairy godmother wand uncle. He began with her near the road.
He waved again - stopped the Lada. Dali's uncle $ 100.
Waved the other - to stop the truck. Uncle gave 200 rubles.
Waved a third time - stopped the Mercedes.
Wife:
— And it was my uncle so much of sticks that he had to change jobs!
Christenings. In the cross - not the last rank of the FSB. Already the end of the ceremony, the priest gives the sign of the cross instruction of a righteous life. Like, should fast, Confession and Communion ... Godfather, sighing and slightly to the side is thinking aloud:
— If I confess - that I will have it pop right here and fill up ...
The father looks Vovochkin diary.
— 2. - So, arithmetic - 2 Russian - 2, Geography - 2. And what is this, drist - 2? What do you want now and in the toilet estimates put?
— It's about ancient history!
—Kilo hundred.With you 350 rubles!
— Um, you know, I work as a mathematics teacher ...
— ... Um, er ... more accurately, 300 rubles ...
— In high school!
—With you 275 rubles 48 kopecks.
Anecdote of the old ad:
— I am 38, not 39 cherries.
— Sorry you with sausage department?
— Yes what?
— There salesman crazy.
— Where did you get blood stain on the floor?
—Oh, it's my neighbors periodically poured on top ...
— I'm losing weight.
— How long?
— Almost half an hour.
— Noticeably narrower.
— Really?
— Yeah..Hungry eyes.
Husband and wife walking down the street. She tells him ... "my dear, we urgently need to go to the cosmetic shop, I have absolutely no mascara.. Husband stops, looks at his wife and says ... "but it seems to me that carcass, we just all right."
My husband says to his wife:
— Honey, Come to the window, I made a gift for you
— Ouch! Awesome! dear! I'm so glad not even dreamed of ...
—Oh, no! Look better!
— Ouch! AudiTak is also a cool car! Darling, I love you so much!
— Oh no, not! Look deeper, deeper!
— Ouch! Lada ... so what .. still good ...
— Oh, no!.I washed the windows for you!
— Holy Father, I have sex with a girl 15 times a day. It is a sin?
— Yes, my son!Lying is a sin.
Russia - a country of paradoxes. Fertility decreases, mortality increases - and the housing with each passing year becomes more expensive and more expensive ...
Commission in the nuthouse, chief physician indicates Chamber:
— And the patient feels Duncan MacLeod. The most advanced cases, we have 200 years of treat!
One young man is listened to his mother.. And all the girls in her show.. And she let them all defective: the hands are big, stupid, hussy, etc. Finally found the girl of his dreams, exactly like my mother ... My father rejected.
New cigarettes Belomorkanal superlight "... We should have superlight to smoke these cigarettes!
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It is fashionable to speak and write"Blonde," and few people remember, "Frost" - a real fairy tale character, not the same age ...